Ending a relationship without a clarifying conversation can be traumatic. The so-called ghosting, just do not report, is for many the path of least resistance. The consequences are profound for both partners.
Stop it – that’s a difficult thing that can make you scared. Unfortunately, there is little research on how people end relationships and whether behavior changes over time. An inventory of a kind of “final culture” – and how it affects people – would certainly be interesting. Especially against the background of an increasingly discussed method: ghosting.
What Sean Penn did wrong in the summer of 2015, we do not know, but Charlize Theron stole without warning from his life – despite love, marriage and everything. No signs of life ever sent her back in his direction, so the gossips tell.
More often, we hear from people who are after a date and two, three follow-meetings like this: The number is no longer reachable, blocked the Facebook contact, mails or voice messages go nowhere – the new love suddenly becomes a ghost. And most of the time you do not read about her in the rainbow press. She is just gone.
When the end of the relationship comes out of nowhere
Many attribute this to modern means of communication. Finally, it should be done by SMS today also widespread. But it’s not that easy, because the reasons are in the human soul. A client, let’s call her Sarah, told me about a colleague whom we want to call Gerd. Between them there was only friendly-collegial, then confidential contact – and at some point it came over them and a passionate affair began.
After months, Gerd stopped communicating without warning. There had been no warning, no quarrel, not even upset. Sarah realized only days later that he had ended the relationship. She suffered such a deep mental injury that she could no longer continue her normal life. She no longer endured her entire environment and changed jobs and residence.
Ending without pronunciation is traumatic
Ghosting is perhaps the most asymmetrical way to end a relationship. Sarah was not only brought to the clarifying debate, but even to the moment of realization. Even the certainty that it was even over, she had to work hard at first.
It is very difficult to conclude this way, and violent shame and inferiority often hinder healthy grief for the loss of the loved one. Coping with the trauma can last for years.
The culprit in ghosting is usually the weaker
What Sarah did not realize was that she was not the weaker person in the relationship. Gerd had reconciled with his wife and struggled to tell her the truth. Insecure people often want to protect themselves: from the violent reaction of the partner, from their own refusal in the other direction, from confusion over their own emotional state, from attachment at all.
They evade unpleasantness and consider ghosting the path of least resistance, perhaps even more “humane” as an end to strife, shouting and door bangs.
Leaving or leaving: Without debate, there is no inner peace
In fact, ghosting is almost the worst thing you can do to the other psychologically – and sometimes to yourself. Because relationships continue in the head and your own, conflict-shy behavior leads to many permanent bad conscience and a tormenting sense of their own cowardice, inadequacy or shamefulness. Because even you yourself has cheated on clarification.
Processing the trauma instead of repression
Sarah learned that by sheer coincidence. Because she works in a small industry, Gerd also later switched to her new company by chance. They could not stay out of their way, much less because they took the first desk behind the door, and a dash past required absurd contortions. At some point Sarah raised her hand in greeting – and Gerd was visibly relieved to speak to her.
On the one hand, Sarah was pleased to see him as a penitent. On the other hand, he was sorry for her, because she had concluded the matter in the meantime, he obviously did not. It was not important to her anyway. She was in good hands again and still is today. also read 6 love mistakes that can stand in the way of true love